• Microsoft
• Windows 95
• Bill Gates
• AOL

If Microsoft Built Cars

1. A particular model year of car wouldn't be available until AFTER that year,instead of before.
2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you'd have to buy a new car.
3. Occasionally your car would just die for no reason, you'd have to restart it. For some strange reason, you would just accept this.
4. You could only have one person at a time in your car, unless you bought a car '95 or a car NT, but then you'd have to buy more seats.
5. You would be constantly pressured to upgrade your car. If you didn't upgrade it you wouldn't be able to drive on the newer roads.
6. Sun Motorsystems would make a car that was solar powered, twice as reliable, 5 times as fast, but only ran on 5% of the roads.
7. The oil, alternator, gas, engine warning lights would be replaced with a single "General Car Fault" warning light.
8. People would get excited about the "new" features in Microsoft cars, forgetting completely that they had been available in other brands for years.
9. We would still be waiting on the "6000 sux 58'" model to come out.
10. We'd all have to switch to Microsoft Gas (tm).
11. Lee Iacocca would be hired-on as Bill G.'s chauffeur.
12. The US government would be GETTING subsidies from an automaker, instead of giving them.
13. New seats will force everyone to have the same size ass.
14. There would be a lot of built-in problem indicators that all say the same thing: "Something is not working right."

What Does the 95 in Windows95 Stand For?

1. The number of floppies on which it will ship.
2. The percentage of people who will have to upgrade their hardware.
3. The number of megabytes of hard disk space required.
4. The number of pages in the *EASY-INSTALL* version of the manual.
5. The percentage of existing windoze programs that won't run in the new OS.
6. The number of minutes to install.
7. The number of calls to tech support before you can get it to run.
8. The number of people who will actually PAY for the upgrade.
9. The number of MHz required for the OS to run.
10. The year it was due to ship.
11. The number of seconds before it crashes.
12. Bill Gates' age when it ships.
13. The required number of megabytes of RAM to run at useable speed.
14. The percentage that will be complete on the shipping date.

Bill Gates In Heaven

Gates dies tragically (?) in a car crash. He finds himself in purgatory, being sized up by St Peter.

St Peter: "Well Bill, I'm really confusedd on this call; I'm not sure where to send you. After all, you helped society enormously by putting a computer in almost every home in the US, yet you also created that ghastley Windows 95. I'm going to do something I've never done before. In your case; I'm going to let you decide whether you want to go to Heaven or Hell. I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly, if it will help your decision." "Okay then," said Bill, "Let's try Hell first."

Hell turns out to be a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters and lots of laughing, bikini-clad women running around, frolicking in the water. The sun was shining; the temperature was perfect. Bill was very pleased: "If this is Hell, I REALLY want to see Heaven!" "Fine," said St. Peter, and off they went.

Heaven was a place high in the clouds, with angels drifting about, playing harps and singing. It was nice, but not as enticing as Hell. Bill thought for a minute, and rendered his decision. "Hmmm. I think I'd prefer Hell," he told St. Peter. So Bill Gates went to Hell.

Two weeks later, St. Peter decided to check on the late billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell. When he got there, he found Bill, shackled to a wall, screaming amongst hot flames in dark caves, being burned and tortured by demons. "How's everything going?" he asked Bill. Bill responded, his voice filled with anguish and disapointment: "This is awful! This is nothing like the Hell I visited two weeks ago! I can't believe this is happening! What happened to that other place, with the beautiful beaches, the scanty-clad women playing in the water?" St. Peter replied: "What did you expect, that was the demo."

Diary of an AOL User