Dictionary of Computer Terms

Test the terms:
If Operating Systems were Airlines
If Operating Systems were Beer

Improve Your Computer Vocabulary

Dictionary of Computer Terms
DISTRIBUTED BY: "THE INTERNET FUNNYBONE"

Alpha. Software undergoes alpha testing as a first step in
getting user feedback. Alpha is Latin for "doesn't work."

Beta. Software undergoes beta testing shortly before it's
released. Beta is Latin for "still doesn't work."

Computer. Instrument of torture. The first computer was
invented by Roger "Duffy" Billingsly, a British scientist. In a
plot to overthrow Adolf Hitler, Duffy disguised himself as a
German ally and offered his invention as a gift to the surly
dictator. The plot worked. On April 8, 1945, Adolf became so
enraged at the "Incompatible File Format" error message that he
shot himself. The war ended soon after Hitler's death, and Duffy
began working for IBM.

CPU. Central propulsion unit. The CPU is the computer's engine.
It consists of a hard drive, an interface card and a tiny
spinning wheel that's powered by a running rodent - a gerbil if
the machine is a 286, a ferret if it's a 386 and a ferret on
speed if it's a 486.

Default Directory. Black hole. Default directory is where all
files that you need disappear to.

Error message. Terse, baffling remark used by programmers to
place blame on users for the program's shortcomings.

File. A document that has been saved with an unidentifiable
name. It helps to think of a file as something stored in a file
cabinet - except when you try to remove the file, the cabinet
gives you an electric shock and tells you the file format is
unknown.

Hardware. Collective term for any computer-related object that
can be kicked or battered.

Help. The feature that assists in generating more questions.
When the help feature is used correctly, users are able to
navigate through a series of Help screens and end up where they
started from without learning anything.

Input/Output. Information is input from the keyboard as
intelligible data and output to the printer as unrecognizable
junk.

Interim Release. A programmer's feeble attempt at repentance.

Memory. Of computer components, the most generous in terms of
variety, and the skimpiest in terms of quantity.

Printer. A joke in poor taste. A printer consists of three
main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red
light.

Programmers. Computer avengers. Once members of that group of
high school nerds who wore tape on their glasses, played Dungeons
and Dragons, and memorized Star Trek episodes; now millionaires
who create "user-friendly" software to get revenge on whoever
gave them noogies.

Reference Manual. Object that raises the monitor to eye level.
Also used to compensate for that short table leg.

Scheduled Release Date. A carefully calculated date determined
by estimating the actual shipping date and subtracting six months
from it.

User-Friendly. Of or pertaining to any feature, device or
concept that makes perfect sense to a programmer.

Users. Collective term for those who stare vacantly at a
monitor. Users are divided into three types: novice, intermediate
and expert.
- Novice Users. People who are afraid that simply pressing a key
might break their computer.
- Intermediate Users. People who don't know how to fix their computer
after they've just pressed a key that broke it.
- Expert Users. People who break other people's computers.

If Operating Systems were Airlines

• DOS AIR:
  All the passengers go out onto the runway, grab hold of the plane, push it until it gets in the air, hop on, jump off when it hits the ground again. Then they grab the plane again, push it back into the air, hop on...this continues until you reach your destination.
• WINDOWS '95 AIRLINES:
  The terminal is very neat and clean, the attendants are all very attractive and the pilots very capable. The fleet is immense. After you wait 6 months, you begin to wonder why your plane has not arrived yet. When you finally get on your plane, you are told that the seats are adjustable but you can't figure out how. After searching fruitlessly you give up and sit in the seat as it is. Your jet takes off without a hitch. The Flight attendents offer a wide selection of dinner choices and after getting your order they serve you the microsoft chicken dish. When you complain they tell you that your choice was incompatible with the microwave oven, You order from the extensive cold drink selection and they give you Microsoft cola. When you complain they tell you that your choice was incompatible with the microwave oven,
• MACINTOSH AIRWAYS:
  The cashiers, flight attendants, and pilots all look the same, feel the same and act the same. The flights go from NY to LA only. The plane are comfortable in a one-size-fits-all manner. When asked questions about the flight they reply that you don't want to know, don't need to know, and would you please return to your seat and watch the movie. For a short time you could use your frequent flyer miles on airlines that went to other destinations. All the personell tell you that very soon you will be able to go to other destinations with out resorting to other airlines.
• OS/2 SKYWAYS:
  The terminal is almost empty, with only a few prospective passengers milling about. Airline personnel walk around, apologising profusely to customers in hushed voices, pointing from time to time to the sleek, powerful jets outside the terminal on the field. They tell each passenger how good the real flight will be on these new jets and how much safer it will be than Windows Airlines, but that they will have to wait a little longer for the technicians to finish the flight systems.
• FLY WINDOWS NT:
  All the passengers carry their seats out onto the tarmac, placing the chairs in the outline of a plane. They all sit down, flap their arms and make jet swooshing sounds as if they are flying.
• WINGS of OS/400:
  The airline has bought ancient DC-3s, arguably the best and safest planes that ever flew and painted "747" on their tails to make them look as if they are fast. The flight attendants, of course, attend to your every need, though the drinks cost $15 a pop. Stupid questions cost $230 per hour, unless you have SupportLine, which requires a first class ticket and membership in the frequent flyer club.
• MVS AIRLINES:
  The passengers all gather in the hanger, watching hundreds of technicians check the flight systems on this immense, luxury aircraft. This plane has at least 10 engines and seats over 1,000 passengers. All the passengers scramble aboard, as do the necessary complement of 200 technicians. The pilot takes his place up in the glass cockpit. He guns the engines, only to realise that the plane is too big to get through the hangar doors!
• UNIX EXPRESS:
  Each passenger brings a piece of the airplane and a box of tools to the airport. They gather on the tarmac, arguing constantly about what kind of plane they want to build and how to put it together. Eventually, they build several different aircraft, but give them all the same name. Some passengers actually reach their destinations. All passengers believe they got there.

If Operating Systems were Beer

• DOS:
  Requires you to use your own can opener, and requires you to read the directions carefully before opening the can. Originally only came in an 8-oz. can, but now comes in a 16-oz. can. However, the can is divided into 8 compartments of 2 oz. each, which have to be accessed separately. Soon to be discontinued, although a lot of people are going to keep drinking it after it's no longer available.
• Mac:
  At first, came only a 16-oz. can, but now comes in a 32-oz. can. Considered by many to be a "light" beer. All the cans look identical. When you take one from the fridge, it opens itself. The ingredients list is not on the can. If you call to ask about the ingredients, you are told that "you don't need to know." A notice on the side reminds you to drag your empties to the trashcan.
• Windows 3.1:
  The world's most popular. Comes in a 16-oz. can that looks a lot like Mac Beer's. Requires that you already own a DOS Beer. Claims that it allows you to drink several DOS Beers simultaneously, but in reality you can only drink a few of them, very slowly, especially slowly if you are drinking the Windows Beer at the same time. Sometimes, for apparently no reason, a can of Windows Beer will explode when you open it.
• OS/2:
  Comes in a 32-oz can. Does allow you to drink several DOS Beers simultaneously. Allows you to drink Windows 3.1 Beer simultaneously too, but somewhat slower. Advertises that its cans won't explode when you open them, even if you shake them up. You never really see anyone drinking OS/2 Beer, but the manufacturer (International Beer Manufacturing) claims that 9 million six-packs have been sold.
• Windows 95:
  You can't buy it yet, but a lot of people have taste-tested it and claim it's wonderful. The can looks a lot like Mac Beer's can, but tastes more like Windows 3.1 Beer. It comes in 32-oz. cans, but when you look inside, the cans only have 16 oz. of beer in them. Most people will probably keep drinking Windows 3.1 Beer until their friends try Windows 95 Beer and say they like it. The ingredients list, when you look at the small print, has some of the same ingredients that come in DOS beer, even though the manufacturer claims that this is an entirely new brew.
• Windows NT:
  Comes in 32-oz. cans, but you can only buy it by the truckload. This causes most people to have to go out and buy bigger refrigerators. The can looks just like Windows 3.1 Beer's, but the company promises to change the can to look just like Windows 95 Beer's - after Windows 95 beer starts shipping. Touted as an "industrial strength" beer, and suggested only for use in bars.
• Unix:
  Comes in several different brands, in cans ranging from 8 oz. to 64 oz. Drinkers of Unix Beer display fierce brand loyalty, even though they claim that all the different brands taste almost identical. Sometimes the pop-tops break off when you try to open them, so you have to have your own can opener around for those occasions, in which case you either need a complete set of instructions or a friend who has been drinking Unix Beer for several years.
• AmigaDOS:
  The company has gone out of business, but their recipe has been picked up by some weird German company, so now this beer will be an import. This beer never really sold very well because the original manufacturer didn't understand marketing. Like Unix Beer, AmigaDOS Beer fans are an extremely loyal and loud group. It originally came in a 16-oz. can, but now comes in 32-oz. cans too. When this can was originally introduced, it appeared flashy and colorful, but the design hasn't changed much over the years, so it appears dated now. Critics of this beer claim that it is only meant for watching TV anyway.
• VMS:
  Requires minimal user interaction, except for popping the top and sipping. However cans have been known on occasion to explode, or contain extremely un-beer-like contents. Best drunk in high pressure development environments. When you call the manufacturer for the list of ingredients, you're told that is proprietary and referred to an unknown listing in the manuals published by the FDA. Rumors are that this was once listed in the Physicians' Desk Reference as a tranquilizer, but no one can claim to have actually seen it

Improve Your Computer Vocabulary

Analog: Hors d'oeuvre, usually made from cheese and covered with crushed nuts

Backup: Opposite of go forward Batch Processing: Making a lot of cookies at once

Binary: Possessing the ability to have friends of both sexes

Bit: 12 1/2 cents Branch: If watered, it will grow into a computer club (see computer club)

Buffer: Programmer who works in the nude

Bug: 1. Programmer's term for a feature 2. An elusive creature living in a program which makes it incorrect. Note: the activity of "debugging" or removing bugs from a program ends when a programmer gets tired of doing it, not when all the bugs are removed.

Character density: The number of very weird people in the office, divided by the floor space Computer: A device designed to speed and automate errors

Computer Club: Used to strike computer forcefully upon receiving error messages

Coding: An addictive drug

Compile: A heap of decomposing vegetable matter

Compiler: Noah Webster (1758-1843)

Console: What one does to a "down" computer

Cursor: An expert in 4-letter words

Dump: A system programmer's work area

Feature: Hardware limitation as described by a marketing representative

Hardware: The parts of a computer which can be kicked

Keyboard: An instrument used for entering errors into a system

Language: A system of organizing and defining error messages

Loop: See loop Machine-independent

Program: A program which will not run on any machine

Microcomputer: One millionth of a computer

Null String: The result of a 4-hour database search

On-line: The idea that a human should always be accessible

Password: The nonsense word taped to your terminal

Performance: A statement of the speed at which a computer system works. Or rather, might work under certain circumstances. Or was rumored to be working about a month ago

Printer: Johann Gutenberg (1400-1468)

Quality Control: Ensuring that the quality of a product does not get out of hand and add to the cost of its manufacture or design

Strategy: A long-range plan whose merit cannot be evaluated until sometime after those creating it have left the organization

User: Someone requiring drug rehabilitation

8-bit machine: A computer selling for $1.00 (see bit)

16-bit machine: A computer selling for $2.00 (see bit)